day four of no sleep. day two of no food. i don't even remember if i've been drinking any water. i drank soda yesterday...not a lot. just like half a cup.

i have been doing nothing but crying and watching horror movies. i can't even make it through a whole movie before i have to leave to go cry in my room.

i really wish i had some pills. i'd at least be able to knock myself out. i'd be able to wake up months from now. maybe she'd be here.

this morning, i threw up in my trash can. i cried all morning. by the time an hour or so before work came around, i had to call out because i couldn't get myself together. i called a friend over, hoping that i'd feel even a little better, but really...i just felt worse because i kept thinking, 'that's not jae. that's not jae.'

i tried talking to matt about how i've been feeling. how upset i've been. how alone i feel. i start crying before i could even finish saying, 'i don't feel well,' and he just started yelling at me. saying it's really annoying that i never say what i mean to say. that i never really say anything at all and that there's nothing he can do to help if i don't say anything. i just wanted to cry. i just wanted him to give me a hug and a rub on the back and tell me that it's okay. because no one besides jae has ever done that for me before. he told me to go lie down on the couch and to go see the doctor. i just went upstairs back to my room and cried there.

i feel really helpless and alone. i'm really scared.

in the house i live in, the walls are really thin. i haven't been able to cry properly. i cry into a pillow or towel, sniffling with quiet sobs. today, after doing that about ten times, i couldn't take it anymore. i told everyone i was going to kmart to buy some things, but really, i just picked an empty part of the parking lot, parked the car, and let it all out.

i cried. really hard. i sobbed as loud as i could. i screamed. i yelled. i cried out to god, asking him why this is happening. asking for help. i cried out to jae, telling her all the things i could. telling her i need her, telling her i'm sorry. i cursed at myself. saying it's all my fault, when it really is. i bashed my head against the side of the door, the steering wheel. punched the seats and hit the windows. i fiddled with the cigarette lighter, trying to burn myself with it, but i couldn't bring myself to do it. i'm really wary of hot things. ovens, fires. things like that.

i had a bad experience with a stove when i was little. i put my hand in the blue fire thinking, 'blue means cold. this fire must be cold.' ever since then, i can't go near a stove, oven or fire place without cringing.

i cried for a little over three hours. non stop screaming and yelling. i eventually, at some point, quieted down and curled up in the driver's seat. i tried to sleep. i had little dreams about jae. i woke up feeling really nauseas and cold. it only last about twenty minutues, but still, it was a little sleep. i didn't feel any better, but i didn't feel the need to cry anymore. i was kinda hoping i'd fall asleep for a few hours. i was kinda hoping i'd freeze to death or get sick.

i went home.

i had left my phone in my room. i don't need it anymore. there's no point in having it. several times i've tried breaking it, but a bunch of 'what ifs?' would jump into my head, and i'd just throw it against the pillows.

but... i tried calling jae's old number. just to see if it's still disconnected. to see if i could hear her old voicemail greeting. i really need to hear her voice. i really just need to hear from her. the phone rang. no one picked up. someone hung up. i tried again, and they hung up. i got a text message asking 'who is this?'

for one fleeting moment, i thought it was jae. i thought that she had switched back to that phone number. i text back, rapidly. thinking it was her, telling her i'm sorry. that i wouldn't bother again, and that if we could just talk one last time so we could say goodbye. i never got to say goodbye.

it turned out to be some guy named steve. i didn't believe him at first. he figured out that i live in a different country, figured out what state i live in. i wonder how he figured all that out? i asked him to prove it. a phone call. he wouldn't call. it just made it worse. i started freaking out. i talked to him for a little while. about what's been going on. he called me, i picked up. i was really disappointed that it wasn't jae after all, i hung up and started crying again. he said he'll talk to me tomorrow. there's a part of me...that really think that's jae. that the guy that had called was really her brother. but why would she lie to me like that?

maybe i really am crazy...it does run in the family. on my dad's side.

i talked to losingmyfaith. we've never really talked before, but she's the only person who's still awake that'll talk to me. even though she said things i didn't want to hear, she really helped. i feel a bit better. i don't really have anyone to talk to. i try talking to my friends in real life, but it's really hard to. i never know what to say. my throat just closes up.

it's 3 am. i ahould try to sleep. i should drink some water, so when i do throw up again, at least it'd be something other than stomach acid. i found two tyelnol pills. i could take those because my chest is really hurting. i think i had an anxiety attack earlier.

does anyone think i'm crazy for feeling like this over someone?

yeah...journal's pretty long. sorry.